Apparently the Mayan Calendar only goes up to the date, 21st December 2012, though this is hotly debated as it doesn’t seem to take into account leap years. Could this mean the Mayans had predicted a catastrophic calamity would occur on this date or does it just mean they were lazy and couldn’t be bothered adding to a calendar that was already covering around 3000 years into the future?
Some people believe the world will end on this date, some people have debunked the theory and most of us are all thinking it’s probably a load of old garbage but we’ll be pretty happy when the clock strikes 12 midnight and 22nd Dec rolls around.
Me. I’m a fence sitter. I mostly think that it’s a load of rubbish and will have a hilarious status about the Mayans/Armageddon ready to post on Facebook at around midnight but I’ll also be staying near my baseball bat and have a tin of beans handy in case it turns out I am so very,very wrong.
With that in mind, lets take a look at some of the ways films have prepared us for the end of the world.
An asteroid may hurtle towards the Earth. Lets assume it’s a big one so if it hits it’ll destroy a good portion of the Earth and raise so much dust that we probably won’t be able to see the sun for a few years…
This one seems unlikely. We’d spot something like this coming for a good while before it hits. Unless there is a really clever asteroid that’s been slowly moving from planet to planet, sneaking up on us for years, waiting to pounce. Though if that were the case, I’d be more impressed at it’s moxie than anything else.
Solution: Hire builders/oil rig workers to save us all. I’d assume this is because builders bums have been known to destroy asteroids and stop even the worst of apocalypses.
We might make computers so advanced that they become self-aware and try to kill us all. I’d say they’d probably take control of some nukes and just blow us all up or maybe spend a while making smaller robots that can hunt us down, and if needs be, travel back in time and kill the saviour of humanity’s mom.
Hmmm, the time frame doesn’t really give the robots a lot of time on this one but the time travel mechanics (and paradoxes) of The Terminator series means we can just gloss over that. Also, why is it that every time a computer gains self-awareness its first thought is that mankind’s a little rubbish really and we all deserve to die? We’re not that bad surely.
Solution: Wait for a saviour to be born who will save us all (note: this may involve travelling back in time a good few times to save his mother but it’ll be worth it in the end).
Alternatively, just turn the threatening computer off at the plug, leave it for 30 seconds and then switch it back on… that usually works for me.
The Day After Tomorrow/Weather
With the amount of natural disasters around the globe recently it does seem like Mother Nature has had enough of mankind and would kindly like us to leave. In this scenario, climate changes could cause the world’s weather to go crazy and then freeze us all to death.
I’m pretty sure the “science” behind this film deserves to be in inverted quotes, but it would still be a bit of kick in the head if we suffered some nasty climatic changes that resulted in a new Ice Age. On the plus side, lifetime long ‘Snow day’. Woohoo!
Solution: Find somewhere warm and stay there until daddy comes and rescues you. (Sorry folks, you’re on your own with this one, I’m not sure there’s much more to this movie than that).
Night of the Living Dead/Zombies
The dead shall walk the Earth. They’ll feast on your brains and generally be a nuisance. They’ll relentless hunt us down and force us to question whether they are the monsters… or if man was the monster all along (NOTE: I’m sick of this overplayed theme in zombie movies. It’s obviously the brain munching zombies).
It’s everyone’s worst nightmare/dream come true. You might have to kill undead members of your family (Nightmare) but also get to kill people you really hate (dream come true). In the latter case, I’d not even wait to see if they were infected. Just grab a bat and don’t take the risk!
However, this could be a divisive one depending on the speed of the zombies. Old school horror fans won’t be too happy if the zombies can run, but it’s all grand because those jokers can really move so they won’t have get the chance to be indignant for too long.
Solution: Team up with a band of plucky survivors like yourself, fortify a secure location and try to survive for as long as possible. Warning; there will be at least one person who through either idiocy, fear or plain douchebaggery will somehow let the zombies into your stronghold. We suggest throwing that person to the zombies the first chance you get.
28 Days Later/ Rage Virus
Some scientist may start playing God and create a virus that triggers your rage (most likely by putting their subjects into traffic jams when they’re late and then having their radio play Rebecca Black’s Friday on a loop). This virus will be unleashed and will quickly spread until everyone is either dead or infected.
Not too sure about the ‘Rage’ business, but a virus does seem like a pretty logical humanity ender. With the amount of International commerce/travelling that is done on a daily basis, this could get out pretty quickly.
Solution: The simplest solution would be to not wake up from a coma for 28 days but if you really have to (due to needing water/nourishment like a big wuss), try to survive and wait them out. In the case of a virus, the infected people’s number one priority will be passing on, and therefore sustaining the longevity of the virus so they’re not going to prioritize feeding or watering themselves. This means they’ll burn themselves out pretty quick… in about 56 days according to the movie.
Important note: DON’T TRUST THE ARMY!
I Am Legend/Vampires
Richard Matheson’s Book created a world where Vampires became the dominant species. They were pretty much human but now had a slight aversion to sunlight and liked blood. It was all very clever and had one of the best twist endings I’ve ever read. Unfortunately I’m looking at movies so this Vampire apocalypse will play out like a one man against the world action thriller (Sorry Matheson fans… though not as sorry as the people who made this film should be).
Vamprism will spread throughout the world. The only way to survive is to hope you’re immune. Otherwise you’ll be huddling in buildings during daytime and won’t be getting yourself a tan anytime soon. The cause of the outbreak is pretty decent though. It’s a revolutionary Cancer cure that unfortunately has some side effects. Much like the virus idea, this could happen… in theory.
Solution: Be immune. That’s pretty much it. Also get yourself a dog who you’ll become way too attached to so people cry when it dies.
Oh, and also, don’t dumb down/destroy literary masterpieces in an attempt to get massive box office receipts! (Apologies but it had to be said).
Independence Day: Alien Attack
Oh Aliens. They barely ever come in peace do they? Well except E.T… but you could definitely tell he was up to something. Alien ships may descend from the atmosphere around key locations around the globe and launch a synchronised attack that will decimate all the world powers (or maybe just China as the rest of us seem to pretty much suck at the minute). They’d then mine the Earth for its resources and be on their way.
It’s one of our biggest fears. That we’re not at the top of our food chain and there’s something even more deadly than us out there. Plus, with the level of technology required for intergalactic space travel, they’d have to be a lot more advanced than us. However, we have built some really inventive weapons/machines to kill people with over the years so I say we’d at least put up a good fight.
Solution: Find a cocky Air Force Captain and a rockstar scientist to infect the Alien mothership with a virus that’ll give us the edge we need to stop these extra-terrestrial scum; Note, their computers must be mac compatible and we’d better hope those two don’t get death lasered when they inevitably plug the USB stick in the wrong way around on their first attempt.
Also, it might be handy to have a very charismatic leader on hand who will whip everyone into a world saving frenzy with a patriotic speech!
Lastly, you could be willing to sell out the human race. Though that would be despicable.
I’m writing wink because my new Alien Overlords can’t see me winking.
There you have it. Do you now feel prepared to face whatever comes on the 21st? Any other movie Armageddon’s you think we should have considered? Let us know in the comments section.